Who Are You?
by Asha'man of Fire
Summary: Suzumiya Haruhi is once again causing trouble, but this time it's different.  One moment she's stealing Kyon's pants, and the next she's yelling at him.  Just what is going on?  Volume 8 compliant.


I do not own the Suzumiya series in any way, shape or form, and this is just a fanfic.

Hmm, this idea came to me recently, or should I say re-came to me recently. I remembered a fic from a while ago, and that is where I got this idea from. I can't remember the name or author, only the premise, which I've decided to do in my own way. Here it is:

* * *

"Who are you?"

These were the words said to me just after I greeted my Brigade Chief. We were in an alley that I had walked into when I saw a bright flash of light and heard that loud voice of hers.

Being the person I was, I went in to investigate and to find out whether or not she was troubling someone. Giving her a casual greeting, I came face to face with a very naked Suzumiya Haruhi. I span on my heel to give her the modesty that she didn't seem to care about at all. That stupid girl!

What the hell Haruhi? Why are you naked out here?

It was then that she said those words. "Who are you?"

What the hell? Can you not even recognise me? Well, it is a bit dark in this cramped space, but still!

"You didn't answer my question," she pointed out.

"It's me, stupid, Kyon. Now put some clothes on."

There was a moment of silence, and then. "Don't have any." She said this so flippantly it seemed she didn't even care.

I quickly stripped off my jacket and handed it back to her. There was a rustling of cloth as she put it on.

Perhaps I should take this opportunity to explain. Today was just a simple Sunday. No SOS Brigade activities were scheduled, no mysterious or paranormal activities involving aliens, time travellers or ESPers was going on, at least to my knowledge.

I bring this up because four of the SOS Brigade's five members are not normal. First, we have that grinning Koizumi, an ESPer who works for a mysterious organization. Then we have the lovely and beautiful Asahina-san, a time traveller from the future. Next is the quiet Nagato, an alien from The Integrated Data Overmind Entity. Finally we have the strangest of them all, the powerful Suzumiya Haruhi who can influence the world by accident, and if too upset, can unknowingly cause the end of the world. Some people see her as a God, while others see her as a means to evolve, but to me she is just Haruhi, our Chief.

But don't let her find out I said that.

Now where was I? Oh yes, I was just saying how this day had started out so normally. With no Brigade meetings, I slept in, played with my sister and had only stepped out now to get some milk from the shop.

But now my normal day is ruined. Thanks Haruhi.

I was just about to ask her what the hell she was doing when two arms curled around my waist and started undoing my pants.

Of course, I immediately started to struggle. What are you up to you crazy girl?

"I need pants." An immediate and unapologetic answer!

"I'm using these at the moment, thank you very much."

Unfortunately, my comments didn't even slow her down. What was worse, this girl was too strong to be reasonable and as she caught me by surprise, soon enough I was in my underwear, the demon girl slipping into my jeans and tightening them with my belt. At some point she'd also grabbed my shoes and was slipping them on as well.

"A bit big, but they'll do for now."

You little thief. Give me back my pants.

"Ah, ah, ah, you don't expect a girl to walk around without any anything on her bottom half, do you? You should be glad I honour you by wearing your clothes."

Honour? Have you jumped off the deep end?

She ignored me, walking out of the alley in my clothes like she hadn't just stripped and robbed a man.

"See you around, Kyon!" she smiled, leaving me in nothing but a t-shirt, boxers and socks.

Broken and defeated, I shambled back home, hiding from view whenever someone passed by, the milk long forgotten.

Something was bugging me about that encounter. Well, something apart from the obvious.

Something was up with Haruhi. True, she could still be a selfish jerk on occasion, but that was a bit far. It was the kind of behaviour I expected from the Haruhi at the beginning of the year, when the club was still forming. Not the end of it. She was a better person now.

There was something else too, more to do with her appearance, but I just couldn't place it. When I saw her leaving the alley, something seemed wrong somehow, though still very familiar and Haruhi.

Sighing, I arrived home, dodged my sister's questions, and put on some pants. It was only then that I realized. My wallet and phone were in those jeans. She really had robbed me.

Doing the only thing I could do, I grabbed the home phone and dialled in a number from memory.

"Kyon! What do you want?"

"To ask you what you were thinking in that alley. And to tell you I want my pants back tomorrow."

"What are you talking about? Alley, what alley? And why should I have your pants." There was a moment of silence as I was about to answer, then she steam-rolled over me. "I see. This is another one of those prank calls of yours, isn't it? Penalty! Prepare to pay for this failure of a joke Kyon!"

As simple as that, she hung up on me. Seeing as that wasn't going to work, I just grabbed my sister's phone and sent my own a text. She wouldn't be able to ignore that.

Satisfied, I retreated to my room and go started on my home work. It may have been late in the year, but those teachers never seemed to relent.

* * *

In another part of the city, Haruhi grabbed the vibrating phone from her stolen clothes. It was displaying a message from 'Imouto':

'_Geez Haruhi, I would have gotten you something to wear if you'd asked. Anyway, try and remember to bring my pants tomorrow. _

_Don't spend my money._

_Kyon.'_

"Kyon huh? He could be fun. Well, I guess I'll find out tomorrow." Haruhi laughed, running her fingers through her long dark hair.


End file.
